They aren't supposed to be nutritious!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Amy's Wish is my Political Advice
Alex Ludd says --
Amy beckons, I answer.
Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Become president.
2. Master nuclear physics.
3. Obtain uranium.
4. Befriend the head of the CIA.
5. Open a Swiss bank account.
6. Disappear and surface under an assumed identity.
7. Sing the entire Cyndi Lauper songbook on stage.
Seven things I can do:
1. Write with my toes.
2. Lick my eyebrows.
3. Paint with a brush between my buttocks.
4. Act out the entire balcony scene from Romeo and Juliette in belches.
5. Make horses feel inadequate.
6. Sing the entire Sri Lankan national anthem in all four parts, concurrently.
7. Snort an entire fifth of Chivas Regal through the neck of a guitar.
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Tell a lie. I cut down the cherry... tree.
2. Find a good spot remover for clothing.
3. Recall sending weapons to Iran.
4. Resist Marilyn Monroe... movies.
5. Make it all the way through a play.
6. Sneak a helicopter into Tehran.
7. Stand still while the music is playin'
Seven things I say a lot:
1. YES!
2. Cash only.
3. More whipped cream.
4. If you loved me, you would.
5. You can't prove anything.
6. It's only a cold sore.
7. Who would you like me to make it out to?
Seven things I find attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Credit rating.
2. The reflections in their eyes.
3. Pure adoration.
4. Stain resistant clothing.
5. Juicy tootie fruities.
6. Connections.
7. Looks good in a gas mask.
Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Demi Moore
3. Cloris Leachman
4. Mary Kate Olson
5. Carol Channing
6. Keanu Reeves
7. Joan Cusak
Seven people who have to do this next:
1. Nicholas Peterson
2. Lorem Ipsum
3. Day Dreamer
4. Kotar the Humble
5. Shrinking Violet
6. Katie
7. Christopher Walken
Amy beckons, I answer.
Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Become president.
2. Master nuclear physics.
3. Obtain uranium.
4. Befriend the head of the CIA.
5. Open a Swiss bank account.
6. Disappear and surface under an assumed identity.
7. Sing the entire Cyndi Lauper songbook on stage.
Seven things I can do:
1. Write with my toes.
2. Lick my eyebrows.
3. Paint with a brush between my buttocks.
4. Act out the entire balcony scene from Romeo and Juliette in belches.
5. Make horses feel inadequate.
6. Sing the entire Sri Lankan national anthem in all four parts, concurrently.
7. Snort an entire fifth of Chivas Regal through the neck of a guitar.
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Tell a lie. I cut down the cherry... tree.
2. Find a good spot remover for clothing.
3. Recall sending weapons to Iran.
4. Resist Marilyn Monroe... movies.
5. Make it all the way through a play.
6. Sneak a helicopter into Tehran.
7. Stand still while the music is playin'
Seven things I say a lot:
1. YES!
2. Cash only.
3. More whipped cream.
4. If you loved me, you would.
5. You can't prove anything.
6. It's only a cold sore.
7. Who would you like me to make it out to?
Seven things I find attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Credit rating.
2. The reflections in their eyes.
3. Pure adoration.
4. Stain resistant clothing.
5. Juicy tootie fruities.
6. Connections.
7. Looks good in a gas mask.
Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Demi Moore
3. Cloris Leachman
4. Mary Kate Olson
5. Carol Channing
6. Keanu Reeves
7. Joan Cusak
Seven people who have to do this next:
1. Nicholas Peterson
2. Lorem Ipsum
3. Day Dreamer
4. Kotar the Humble
5. Shrinking Violet
6. Katie
7. Christopher Walken
You are what you eat.
Alex Ludd says --
Good news. I bought a 12 oz milk carton of Whoppers, and this time they are smooth, sweet, and delectable.
Skindee's new picture is very pretty.
Trixie, dropping her purls of wisdom, admits that while she links to so many knitting forums, she wants to learn to knit.
Rabbitch has given me a whole new appreciation for the possibilities of opera.
Amy, who forgot to name me among her celebrity crushes, made up for it by tagging me. Oooh, that was fun!
Good news. I bought a 12 oz milk carton of Whoppers, and this time they are smooth, sweet, and delectable.
Skindee's new picture is very pretty.
Trixie, dropping her purls of wisdom, admits that while she links to so many knitting forums, she wants to learn to knit.
Rabbitch has given me a whole new appreciation for the possibilities of opera.
Amy, who forgot to name me among her celebrity crushes, made up for it by tagging me. Oooh, that was fun!
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Shady Hills Whopper Village
Alex Ludd says --
nothing for a moment. I'm shocked, speechless. I bought a tiny plastic container of Whoppers that sat on the candy rack beside the overpriced Kit Kats, because it had a 55 cent instant coupon on it. Three ounces, or the rough equivalent of a Milky Way.
It was not the price of a Milky Way, though. It was two dollars.
I can live with my mistakes, so I bit the bullet and opened the small plastic treasure, eagerly salivating as I anticipated the sensuous taste of malt. I looked. I blinked. I looked again.
These aren't Whoppers, they are the retired grandmothers of Whoppers. They were so old, dried, and wrinkled that I knew they were not at home here. They belonged in Shady Hills Diastoid Village. How am I supposed to eat someone's grandmother, I ask you? I'd feel like Ashton Kucher.
I propose that one of my first acts as president will be the creation of a new office, the Department of Diastoid Security and Chocolate Purity. The next issue it takes on may be the presence of carob in the "chocolate" mix in these abominaballs.
As the bumper sticker says, if you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention.
nothing for a moment. I'm shocked, speechless. I bought a tiny plastic container of Whoppers that sat on the candy rack beside the overpriced Kit Kats, because it had a 55 cent instant coupon on it. Three ounces, or the rough equivalent of a Milky Way.
It was not the price of a Milky Way, though. It was two dollars.
I can live with my mistakes, so I bit the bullet and opened the small plastic treasure, eagerly salivating as I anticipated the sensuous taste of malt. I looked. I blinked. I looked again.
These aren't Whoppers, they are the retired grandmothers of Whoppers. They were so old, dried, and wrinkled that I knew they were not at home here. They belonged in Shady Hills Diastoid Village. How am I supposed to eat someone's grandmother, I ask you? I'd feel like Ashton Kucher.
I propose that one of my first acts as president will be the creation of a new office, the Department of Diastoid Security and Chocolate Purity. The next issue it takes on may be the presence of carob in the "chocolate" mix in these abominaballs.
As the bumper sticker says, if you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention.
Alex Ludd says -- A little political humor might spice up my campaign.
Q. Why did the Senator cross the road?
A. To get to the party!
Q. What do you get when you cross a liar and a cheat?
A. Mysteriously found dead with a gun in your hand!
Q. What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?
A. A few hundred votes (depending on the election)
A. This was put in the wrong order.
Q. What is this question?
Well, I hope that satisfied your funny bone a little. Or a lot. And maybe, if I'm your type, it satisfied some other things.
Q. Why did the Senator cross the road?
A. To get to the party!
Q. What do you get when you cross a liar and a cheat?
A. Mysteriously found dead with a gun in your hand!
Q. What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?
A. A few hundred votes (depending on the election)
A. This was put in the wrong order.
Q. What is this question?
Well, I hope that satisfied your funny bone a little. Or a lot. And maybe, if I'm your type, it satisfied some other things.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
More on Marriage
Alex Ludd says --
If I went to Sweden and got married there, would the United States have to acknowledge all of my spouses as legal?
If I went to Sweden and got married there, would the United States have to acknowledge all of my spouses as legal?
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Good Looking People Deserve to Win
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.
As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"
She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"
She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Reasons to Love Me
Alex Ludd says --
Greetings once again, to all of you, my wonderfully supportive and adoring fans. I realize that as of late, I have been immersing you all in the plans of my political future. Important as it is for me to become president, in order to perfect the nature of American society, I think it's time to take a break. Of course, if I expect youy to vote for me, I'll need you to know the issues I represent, and the angles I am approaching the office from.
But I think you need to know me as a person, too.
I am positive you have all been asking yourselves for some time now, some of these questions.
What is Alex's favorite TV show? Where does he live? What's his favorite brand of TV Dinner? Who the hell is he?
Well, I am going to answer all of these questions... and more!
Q. What is your favorite TV Show?
A. The Brady Bunch... or Pokemon. I haven't decided.
Q. Where do you live?
A. In America, obviously. MORON!
Q. What is your favorite brand of TV Dinner?
A. Kids's Cuisine
Q. Who the hell are you?
A. I am the sum of all fantasies.
Q. Who do you admire most?
A. Justin Timberlake, Myself, Tinky-Winky, Katie, Lindsey Lohan, Mr. Tee, Myself, Mr. Clean, Popeye, Myself, Christopher Walken, Cindy, Myself, Ginger and Maryanne, etc.
Q. How do you like your eggs?
A. Scrambled over easy.
Q. What's your favorite website?
A. ebay..org - You can find beef jerky AND Liza Minelli records!
Q. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
A. The dashingly attractive and manly cleft in my chin.
Q. What is your favorite candy?
A. Candace Bergen.
Q. What do you look for in a mate?
A. Willingness to admire my handsomeness.
Q. What do you look for in a back massage?
A. Bra Hooks.
Q. Who is your favorite celebrity of all time?
A. The Brain.
Q. What is your favorite question?
A. The one where I mentioned my childhood experiences.
Q. Where do you plan to retire?
A. Springfield Retirement Castle.
Q. What is your favorite sport?
A. Skirt-chasing.
Q. How tall are you?
A. About 3 inches taller than you.
Q. What color are your underpants?
A. The color of LOVE.
Q. Which Olsen twin?
A. The one on the left.
Q. What OS Do you use?
A. Microsoft.
Q. Is this the last question?
A. Probably not.
Q. What languages do you know?
A. English, Romanian, Czekoslovakian, American, Texan, Pig Latin, ASL
Q. What comments do people most often make to you?
A. "Your fly is open."
Q. What is your most often-used reply to this?
A. "No it's not. I'm just happy to see you."
Q. How old are you?
A. Why? She's 18, isn't she?
Q. Will you answer this question?
A. No.
I'm sure you are all beginning to understand why I'm so wonderful by now, right? Still, if you're notcompletely satisfied, not only do I promise you a full refund, but you can ask me whatever you want, and I promsie to answer 97% honestly, guaranteed.
Greetings once again, to all of you, my wonderfully supportive and adoring fans. I realize that as of late, I have been immersing you all in the plans of my political future. Important as it is for me to become president, in order to perfect the nature of American society, I think it's time to take a break. Of course, if I expect youy to vote for me, I'll need you to know the issues I represent, and the angles I am approaching the office from.
But I think you need to know me as a person, too.
I am positive you have all been asking yourselves for some time now, some of these questions.
What is Alex's favorite TV show? Where does he live? What's his favorite brand of TV Dinner? Who the hell is he?
Well, I am going to answer all of these questions... and more!
Q. What is your favorite TV Show?
A. The Brady Bunch... or Pokemon. I haven't decided.
Q. Where do you live?
A. In America, obviously. MORON!
Q. What is your favorite brand of TV Dinner?
A. Kids's Cuisine
Q. Who the hell are you?
A. I am the sum of all fantasies.
Q. Who do you admire most?
A. Justin Timberlake, Myself, Tinky-Winky, Katie, Lindsey Lohan, Mr. Tee, Myself, Mr. Clean, Popeye, Myself, Christopher Walken, Cindy, Myself, Ginger and Maryanne, etc.
Q. How do you like your eggs?
A. Scrambled over easy.
Q. What's your favorite website?
A. ebay..org - You can find beef jerky AND Liza Minelli records!
Q. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
A. The dashingly attractive and manly cleft in my chin.
Q. What is your favorite candy?
A. Candace Bergen.
Q. What do you look for in a mate?
A. Willingness to admire my handsomeness.
Q. What do you look for in a back massage?
A. Bra Hooks.
Q. Who is your favorite celebrity of all time?
A. The Brain.
Q. What is your favorite question?
A. The one where I mentioned my childhood experiences.
Q. Where do you plan to retire?
A. Springfield Retirement Castle.
Q. What is your favorite sport?
A. Skirt-chasing.
Q. How tall are you?
A. About 3 inches taller than you.
Q. What color are your underpants?
A. The color of LOVE.
Q. Which Olsen twin?
A. The one on the left.
Q. What OS Do you use?
A. Microsoft.
Q. Is this the last question?
A. Probably not.
Q. What languages do you know?
A. English, Romanian, Czekoslovakian, American, Texan, Pig Latin, ASL
Q. What comments do people most often make to you?
A. "Your fly is open."
Q. What is your most often-used reply to this?
A. "No it's not. I'm just happy to see you."
Q. How old are you?
A. Why? She's 18, isn't she?
Q. Will you answer this question?
A. No.
I'm sure you are all beginning to understand why I'm so wonderful by now, right? Still, if you're notcompletely satisfied, not only do I promise you a full refund, but you can ask me whatever you want, and I promsie to answer 97% honestly, guaranteed.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Alex Ludd says --
I've given it deep thought for several minutes now, and after volleying suggestions around, have realized the critical and tragic flaw in the whole first lady idea. My whole campaign has been built around the fact that, being single, I am unable to cheat on a wife. Although I know the American Voter is capable of vast self-delusion, I am not sure even I could convince them that a married man would be the best for the job because of his singleness. Also, I fear it would disillusion a number of said American Voters.
The groups I particularly worry about are:
I've given it deep thought for several minutes now, and after volleying suggestions around, have realized the critical and tragic flaw in the whole first lady idea. My whole campaign has been built around the fact that, being single, I am unable to cheat on a wife. Although I know the American Voter is capable of vast self-delusion, I am not sure even I could convince them that a married man would be the best for the job because of his singleness. Also, I fear it would disillusion a number of said American Voters.
The groups I particularly worry about are:
- Jon-Jon Kennedy fan club. Millions of women wanted to marry this lad, and found themselves disappointed. Dare I disappoint them again?
- Married women who just know I would be better in bed than their husbands.
- Single women who would like to intern for me but avoid the entanglement of scandals about stained dresses and definitions of two-letter words.
- Gay men.
- Bisexual men and women who would feel betrayed if I settled publicly and permanently for a mere one gender.
- People of Amazonian descent.
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