trešdiena, maijs 22, 2013

Important Announcement

To whom it may concern:

It has come to my attention that the Unites States is having a feud with North Korea. I would like to do anything in my power to help the two countries get over their differences. Now for my announcement:

I will be running for King of North Korea in the upcoming election. I am in need of a running mate currently, preferably an attractive female. If you know anyone that fits that description and would be interested in the position, please call to schedule an interview.

Thank you all for your continued support.


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sestdiena, maijs 19, 2007

What Girls Are Made of

Eggs
1 teaspoon salt
a bit of vinegar
maybe some potatoes
2 quarts whole milk
1 quart skim milk
Dessert of the gods


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Etiķetes:

Chalice of Joy

O joyful Cup!
Cup that gives me strength.
Cup that protects me in my time of need --
What can I do to deserve Thee?
I shall run the race and persevere.
Thou, o Cup that overfloweth with blessing,
Help me to endure.
O Cup that holds this sacred content,
Precious life and passion,
Keep me from harm.
Cover me
When I get kicked in the Nuts.


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Etiķetes:

svētdiena, aprīlis 01, 2007

Governmentium the newest element on the Periodic Chart




The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a
new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced
the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium
has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it
impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When
catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.



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Etiķetes: , ,

ceturtdiena, janvāris 18, 2007

some thoughts on foreign policy





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ceturtdiena, janvāris 04, 2007

An Ode to Cindy

O Wretched heart!
I feel your beat in my breast as I long to suckle hers
Bald, bald! As the nail betrays...
A hope that I'll see her look my way as I hide in her yard
And woe. Dissapointmented. O woe. O woah.
I love from afar, but when I steal a kiss in the night
'tis only a photograph, only a photo taped to her window.
And yonder yet, for her lovely hiney
the hindQuarters of a thoroughbred.
No master of verse, Frost excepted, could kidnap your essence
My hero. J'adore.




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Etiķetes:

ceturtdiena, jūnijs 01, 2006


A lesson in world history

The two most important events in all of history were the Invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement".

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving and hair dressing. Some tried their hand at entertainment. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement."

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of group therapy & group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.


They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, hairdressers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, self-employed, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money away from successful people and give it to the failures.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Thus ends today's lesson in world history




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trešdiena, maijs 31, 2006






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